“So…” says the executive Producer “I want to pay off my new house, that’s being built 70% underwater by Finnish otters. Which means its time to make a new cash moo moo with Mr. Diesel”.
Everyone else chimes in “mo money, mo money, mo money”
“So we need new ideas, people are smarter these days…we can keep doing the same thing over and over…I want you to spit ball it, open session, speak freely.” Excec replies.

Twenty minutes later they have a few key words written on a whiteboard “Rockets”, “Lasso”, “Cars landing in Jam”…”Tacos for lunch?”
Then a bright spark stands up… just as a paper airplane hits him in the nipple, he shouts. “Why don’t we do the exact same thing again!! but this time on ICE!…Sir!…”

This I imagine is how the board meetings go at the studio where they greenlight “Fast/Furious” sequels. About 11 gits in a room that need a new drinks holder for their Lambo.

Now be warned, I am hard to please – always have been, always will be – and movies like this are the type where you have to turn your brain off for 2 hours and enjoy the spectacle.

The problem is that these movies have one drastic, colossal, MA-HUSSIVE!…plot hole (to me at least)… An that’s where these characters are supposed to be 18 wheeler, big rig hijackers. Thieves in nippy cars in essence. That’s all. So how the hell are they the best equipped people to save the world from nukes and grade 4 EMP’s… It defies belief.

So I can not do it, – I did try but I Just can’t – I can’t switch my brain off during this one.
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The movie opens out in Cuba, some trendy music and nifty camera fly overs of the local area and then for a whole 40 seconds…we zoom in on ass. I kid you not, 40 seconds of women’s backside with some music – questionable if it is music if I’m honest –  thongs and belts (the missus told me they are skirts but a skirt that has 4 inches length….. is a belt).

After that, Dom (Diesel) rolls in on the screen at a classic car gathering in the centre of the city with thousands of people about and some beautiful vintage american classics on show. Truly the most stunning and honest part of the film which lasts…15 seconds. The scene unfolds in typical “Fast/Furious” nature with Dom being put to the test in a race with the odds stacked against him. He apparently has the slowest car on the island but kicks off most of the chassis and pilfers a bottle of laughing gas from a near-by dentist (as you do) and gets ready to race.

**I did some research here, I wanted to know how realistic this was, using dental happy gas as a replacement for racing NOS (actually NOx) and found that this is actually do-able and possible**

Yes, you’ve guessed it, Dom wins…no spoiler there.

This is where the plot creeps in, a woman (Charlize Theron, suckers Dom in with an apparent broken down car) appears in Dom’s life and hands him a phone with video footage and informs him that he now works for Her and when called Dom will come running.

After Hobbs (The Rock, Dwayne Johnson) gets handed a “black op” back in the sates and needs some help infiltrating and stealing an EMP (electro-magnetic-pulse) bomb from a heavily guarded military base somewhere in the eastern block…during which Dom goes “rogue” and does a runner with the bomb. Leaving the team confused and in tatters while they all separate and Hobbs goes to super-max.
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After a brief and amusing chat with Mr. Nobody (Kurt Russel) and Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham) at his new digs, they break free of the prison and are forced to work together along with the now leaderless team of world-class espionage assault force (car thieves), in a bid to take down the most dangerous thing on the planet, to which there is no attack plan and no way to anticipate….Dom.

This is where my brain is starting to get annoyed, how stupid do these producers/writers think I am? I feel like im in a room with 1 way glass and im being giggled at for wearing a Tranformers onesie, that I had been forced to wear in the first place I might add, honest.

Mostly it feels like the kettle is whistling on the hob and nobody wants to take it off the heat.

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So we move on, turns out Dom is being forced to do all the bad guy stuffs and he is actively trying to find a way out of it while his team just react to his unstoppable (a riot shield and plated car) actions leading the team to New York.

This is the bit where you will lose your sh*t.

Thousands of cars…well at least one thousand, are hacked and all start self driving like a wave of metal and destruction through the streets of the big apple. Aside from the completely impossible – unless there is 1 tesla to 3 normal cars in New york – Dom’s car has been fitted with enough horses to pull and drag about 6 cars on high tension cables, INCLUDING a four-and-a-half-ton military truck.

Safe to say ladies and gents, Dom gets away.

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We get more plot filler and nigh-on unnessisary screen time for a few actors with questionable acting let alone lines that you’d see in a Pokémon movie…all before moving to the snowy place.

Somewhere in the back-end of nowhere, in Russia, lots of snow. At a Russian military nuclear submarine construction facility. Where separatists had taken over 30 days ago and Russia had said nothing to the world and have yet to take it back.

Do you feel insulted yet? By now I was getting poked in the rib with an ice-cream cone while seven 5-year-olds slapping my sunburnt head repeadedly…..Well, it felt like that anyway.
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So a few explosions and cheesy/predictable dialog along with the odd comedic line from the token black guy, Roman (Tyrese Gibson) they end up on a terrifically flat 10 mile stretch of ice, racing a bloody submarine to some gates in a bid to close them so the real bad guy cannot escape with some nuclear weapons.

Now remember that runway…you know the one. It would have been 42 miles long. It was in the sequel that was 2 movies back. Same thing happens here, this 10 mile over-ice race takes 20 minutes in cars/vehicles kitted out for a snowy/icy drive (apart from Romans Lambo but even that would be capable for 60-70mph on a flat ice surface) racing a submarine under the ice below them.
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Explosions and cheesy frequent one-liners from the individual cast members every 4 seconds galore! Until Dom finds a way to change team again and save the day by taking out a nuclear sub.

Right, thats it…I’ve had enough. I’m going home. Bloody ridiculous.

**I have been forced to come back and finish the review, pending pain of feeding my tub of Ben & Jerry’s to the dog…so moving on, from this point I Love this film!**

Dom saves the day, everyone works out why he went dark-side, the end. That ok?

Fine, fine…. Dom’s son and previous bed-mate were being held hostage. Which actually played out well, ignoring the cliché. But the best bit of the film is then stolen by the gunfight and melee spectacle that is Jason Statham. On a plane with a pistol in one hand and a baby (in buggy-seat) the other, he puts happy kiddie music on a pair of head-phones over the baby’s head and goes to town on about 25 nondescript henchmen… while cutting in a fair few funny jibes with nearly each defeated foe and the baby chiming in.

Genuinely, I laughed…I feel so dirty for having admitting that.

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So, overall. If you can get past the un-realistic nature of these cash farming sequels you should enjoy this outing. Yes, I’m a pedantic, pessimistic git but this is by far not as bad as I was expecting.

I think one of my first points of “switching your brain off and just enjoy” is key here. The plot was better stitched than most of the series and the cast performance was at its usual standard. True to the spirit of the predecessors the movie was also a visual delight and the soundtrack just fits…you know, angry rappers here an there, big bassy beats and a little techno/house mash. All-in-all, worth a fiver.

Story – 6/10
Acting – 4/10
Visuals – 7/10
Sound – 8/10
Entertainment Value – 6/10

Overall – 6.2/10 – Average

Reviewed by Michael Jones (Gryffudd)

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